This month or so has been very emotional. Haven't really been able to pinpoint the issue but my heart has felt broken and the tears have been flowing for no apparent reason. I can't figure it out. I'm just so incredibly sad. So I'm writing it all down because that's when answers come...
Saddened by loss (not meaning death).
Saddened by the things that are happening in this world daily.
Saddened by the realization that not everyone I know understands or truly believes what they say they do.
I'm saddened by my own sin nature. NO I will never be perfect til I'm standing next to my savior. He is ever changing and stretching me daily. I'm thankful for His never ending grace and mercy for me! His forgiveness blesses me in so many ways, I can't put it into words.
I've always looked at my life as a stack of books the Lord's already written and I'm not aloud to see the end, I'm just to walk through it each chapter at a time. Well a book in my life has been finished and not everything that was in that book will be carried on into this new book that has started. It hurts badly and I feel as though I'm mourning a death.
But so far I've been incredibly blessed and the Lord has placed in my life a safe place where I can be open and share my heart without being afraid of condemnation and judgment. We are choosing to do things differently than what we have been taught or grown up in. We choose to be an encourager and to pray with each other and not hold anything against anyone. We choose to communicate with each other. We choose to hold each other up. We choose to take everything and all things to the Lord together. We choose to be open to others who come into our lives, no one is left out. We hold each other's hearts with a caring and loving hand. Willing to ask for forgiveness when needed and willing to forgive as we should, showing mercy and grace to others.
We are learning these things, it's hard when you have been hurt over and over again, but I know we will grow and are growing each day always pointing each other to the Lord in all things.
Choosing to let go of and give up "myself" and choosing to let the Lord be my all.
I fail always, but I'm incredibly thankful for His grace. The more I live in Christ the more I see His grace and mercy and sweet blessings in my life and I want to serve myself less.
Ok, so what started out sad has turned into joy as I wrote this.
Lord, thank you for healing my heart and restoring my soul. Thank you for loving me enough to burn and chip away the things I don't need. It hurts so badly, but I know that You do all these things because You love me more than I could ever imagine or express. You know my heart's desire and I see things happening that I never thought I would. Soften my heart even more and I ask again for the wisdom and discernment that I know You placed on my heart to ask for when I was so very young. Those are two gifts that I have always dearly loved that I was blessed with.
I got lost for a long time, but I know You can restore that which was lost. I have a joy that cannot be comprehended or seen. I truly understand what it is now and I'm so very grateful!
So even in this sadness and with all these tears I have a joy that can never be taken away from me. And I'm so incredibly blessed.