I do not do well at all when it comes to being articulate in the moment or in person. So it leads to me saying things wrong, misjudgment and being misunderstood. It always hurts me deeply when this happens to the point I want to just remove myself completely. I do better if I just don't speak at all.
I can't even get out what's going on inside of me, but I would hope others would be gracious, patient and understanding, because I know I can't articulate/say the right words and its always a huge struggle and makes me disappointed with myself. I feel out of touch and alone when it comes to this, it leads me to invert even more than I do.
This is a really hard time for me right now, I'm trying to find who I am and to find my voice and apparently everything that comes out of it when I do open my darn mouth causes problems. So why speak at all.
I'm broken, broken in my heart and broken in my soul.
I'm tired of being judged for something I'm not or mean to be.
I'm tired of being misunderstood.
I'm tired of trying.
When I'm struggling with something or someone I don't need others to take it personally or judge me for it and hold on to it as my standard of who they think I am. I need prayer in that situation for a change in my heart and attitude, if I'm in the wrong, I need encouragement in Christ and the word, not one's preconceived opinion of me and the situation because, I get it, people really don't truly know me.
And I don't know quite how to articulate who I am because I'm still uncovering what I had hidden away over a decade or so ago... that girl who wasn't afraid to speak, who was bold and light hearted and just enjoyed life and others around her with a whole lot of "British" sarcasm (dry humor) thrown in, more willing to speak her mind and what's in her heart, not afraid, so deeply compassionate for others that it hurts.
Ok, so typing that out just showed me that maybe I have uncovered that lost girl, but change is constantly happening, so she looks different to me, I'm older and my thinking has changed, there's a balance, but still, don't know how to show it or what it even looks like.
My flaws and strengths kill me because I'm unable to articulate which leads to misunderstanding from others who didn't know that girl all those years ago. I'm judged by what little they've known of a girl that wasn't even really me.
That lost girl fighting so hard to be seen for what she truly is and to be understood and loved none the less, to be encouraged to dance as she once did. But she's constantly wrongly pushed away by myself and others, at some point she's just going to suffocate and die, I don't want that, it's taken so much time of healing to get this little bit of light she's managed to push out. If that's snubbed out I'm afraid I'll never get her back. She will be lost for ever. She's paper thin delicate, she needs encouragement and nurturing but properly with caring hands, always pointing her back to Christ.
I'm hurting and I'm really sorry this is such a downer blog post. And of course it's taken me a hand full of hours to write it out.
I'm so thankful I have a "Hesed father" who knows me more deeply than any other, who daily shows me grace when I don't deserve it, who judges me rightly and is always changing my heart for His good.
This song has incredible deep meaning to me, from Psalm 139 This is what I hold onto. The whole album is what I'm holding onto.
Psalm 139:
O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
20 They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain.[b]
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.
O men of blood, depart from me!
20 They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain.[b]
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.
Try me and know my thoughts![c]
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
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