March 9, 2016

My journey through life, I thought it to be some what dull and nothing to write home about. But lately I'm finding I was wrong. Memories flooding in my mind, most not that I would want to remember because they weren't the best of times.
I've witnessed a lot of sickness, death and horrible accidents in my small world. Each one touching my heart and soul deeper than I ever thought they could. And now I'm finding even today that I've never gotten over them. They clench my heart so tight I'm unable to breathe as of late.
I've witnessed sicknesses and horrible accidents my mom endured. Trauma in regard to myself. The death of grandparents and other relatives. Horrific car accidents. Accidental hangings of friends. Accidental shootings of friends. Deaths from cancers.
My heart cares so incredibly deep for those around me that it kills me when someone is hurt or struggling. It's not that I want to do everything in my power to fix what ever it is, I know I'm not the fixer. It's that I feel what they are going through as if I'm in their shoes and I can imagine what others in their lives are going through as well.  
To have it all pile up in my thoughts and spew all over me before I even get out of bed in the morning has been a debilitating and very stressful, my anxiety has come back.
PTSD, it's not just those who have been in battle, it can happen to anyone and I hate it, I hate what it does to me... or anyone for that matter.

I need to continually bring this back to the Lord. Never ceasing in prayer and always in fellowship with others. But when I'm debilitated like this it's hard to get to because everything that's simple and good becomes just as overwhelming as my thoughts.
I used to head out by myself to sit in silence, be it on the sand by the ocean at sunset, or by a river bed in the afternoon. To sit on a porch at dusk just reading. Those were my go to run away places as a teen, to just be with the Lord in silence and listen to all He has created. 
I really haven't been able to do that since the 90's.
Now I hang out in my house, usually by myself... I'm a stay at home mom. It's not the same.
I want to just be able to go out for a bit, and I know I totally could during the day while everyone is gone. But being in the city, I really don't know where to go that isn't a long trip. It was easy when I could just walk out my door and head to the river by foot, but I don't live in the country anymore. I've been stuck in the city walls for a long time and fear of death and everything else kept me down and confined to one place.

Writing this out helps.
Friendships help... I need my friends.
That's another hard thing. Friendships aren't like they were. Its all different now. People are busy with their lives. I would love movie nights/game nights/just hanging out nights with adults. I love my children don't get me wrong... but adult time without kids is extremely important.
We need that kind of interaction/freedom to keep things lively and growing.

So anyways... if you made it through this long ramble of a post congrats. Sorry I'm writing a lot... see not getting enough interaction with humans lately.
Seems I have a lot to work through and work on this year, but the outcome and growth from all this will be good, whether it turns out the way I think it should or not, it will still be good because I will have hopefully learned something new. 

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